| Frank Confessions And The Search |
| Written by Agniveer Agni | |
| Tuesday, 16 February 2010 | |
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(This series features my frank confessions of life. An ostrich digs its face in ground when it faces a danger. I find myself no different from an ostrich who tended to ignore the daring question that life raised again and again from time to time. I tried my best to sustain the ostrich within me whenever I faced one of those bouts. But the few glimpses that I caught out of curiosity were sufficient to change the entire direction of my life. Read on the Confessions of an Ostrich...)
(This series features my frank confessions of life. An ostrich digs its face in ground when it faces a danger. I find myself no different from an ostrich who tended to ignore the daring question that life raised again and again from time to time. I tried my best to sustain the ostrich within me whenever I faced one of those bouts. But the few glimpses that I caught out of curiosity were sufficient to change the entire direction of my life. Read on the Confessions of an Ostrich...) I suddenly woke up in middle of night. I was sweating profusely. I could not breathe. I felt completely blank. The old bout came again. It was very familiar but extremely frightful. The question again chilled my spine - Is this all going to end? So I shall die one day. My parents, my relatives, my friends all are going to die. And when I die, it will all be blank. Even the peace I have during a deep sleep will not be there. Because, I shall no more wake up to discover whether the sleep was peaceful or not. The oldest person I have ever heard of is around 156 years old. Even if I assume mythologies to be true, I could be several thousand years old but still I have to die. And if I live that long, it would mean, all my dearest ones will leave me forever much before. So either ways I am cursed. All my plans are uncertain. All my accomplishments are uncertain. The only certainty is death. No one could win over it, nor could I do it. I could already feel as if the world around me is dead and pointless. Life is pointless. Living is pointless. Struggle is pointless. Relaxation is pointless. Success is pointless. Failure is pointless. Fame is pointless. Disgrace is pointless. Everything would eventually evaporate into the black hole of death for everyone and for me. Success, failure etc are so temporary. Further, if we look at expanse of the universe in space and time scales - we humans are nothing more than a pencil dot on surface of earth. Universe is 14 billion years old. Even a middle-aged star like sun is 4.5 billion years old as per scientists. How does a life of few decades matter here! The earth we live in is not even a speck in the vast size of universe. Thus, I am only an insignificant point in this infinite space-time. I did not control my birth. I cannot do anything about my death after a short glimpse. My memories, feelings, emotions all are meaningless. Finally they all would extinguish as I extinguish under the wind of death. This is the only ruthless truth. I recalled a faint childhood memory. I was around four or five years old. In the night, while I was sleeping with my mother, I asked her, "Mummy, will I die one day?" She had no clear reply. She said, "No, nothing will happen to you. Go to sleep now. You have school tomorrow." I again asked, "Does everyone who takes birth die? Will grandma, grandfather, you, papa also die?" She said, "You should not talk like this about your elders. You should respect them. Now go to sleep." I did not ask anything more. But I was far from satisfied. This was my first experience of this bout that I can recollect. Next day, I asked papa, "Papa, how long will I live. Please see my hand." He smiled and brought my palm closer. He pretended to analyze it carefully and replied, "You will live for 102 years. Don't worry!" I shot back, "That means I will die after 102 years. And will you, mummy, grandma, grandpa also live with me for 102 years?" He tried to deviate from the topic, "You should currently focus on your studies. This is your immediate priority. 102 years is very far off." I was not convinced, "But that time will also necessarily come na. And then I will die." He said, "If you study hard, you will never die." I almost forgot that incident soon after. It did make me a bright student though. After all, this assurance from papa was the only escape from the brutal grip of death. Soon, I even forgot the reason, but got addiction of studying. But now, I was having a much clear recall of this forgotten incident. I recalled that this is one question for which no satisfactory answer has yet been deciphered by me. And even if that reply of father made me a good student, it hardly matters. Because with death, everything and everyone shall end forever - including what all I studied and learned. In a snapshot, my entire life came before me. The theme was my frantic search for solution to this most fundamental problem of escaping death. I recalled how this recurrent bout will suddenly open my eyes each time to a reality that I could not face or understand. And how it would make me even more frantic. (To continue, visit my homepage agniveer.com) The Article Author: Looking to find the best articles on Truth and Reason, then visit www.agniveer.com. |
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